There is a question I often ponder as a 24-year-old man – “What does it truly mean to love someone?”
I experience emotions intensely, and this year in Kyoto, Japan, exactly that happened, which made me reflect and write this. However, I don’t want to give away all the spoilers now.
Growing up in India and travelling the world, the types of romantic pursuit I’ve seen modelled are centred on hyper-masculinity, egoism and casual rudeness. Men have this ideology that to love a girl fully is to be obsessed, and if a woman says no, there is still some wiggle room to make it a yes.
What’s more, pop culture in India reflects deeply ingrained casual misogyny. Bollywood has this reductive formula that confines women to three roles: the heroine and love interest who dies in the second act, the damsel in the distress, and the woman who creates a song that is titillating and sexually suggestive.
My hetero friends are on two extremes when it comes to dating. K has a lovely relationship with her boyfriend A, mostly because when they have a problem, they are vocal about it. No one has puny tantrums in secret – it’s a two-way thing, and the way they care for and communicate with each other sees them come through thick and thin.
But plenty of my friends have disastrous relationships, where each party is trying to get the upper hand. Others are even more chaotic and toxic, with an undertone of one making the other feel little and worthless.
Among the people around me, it’s mostly the guys who do this. When I confront them about their behaviour, they play the victim card, then everything goes back to normal – at least for some time.
A lot of men I know become passive and bottle everything up when the love of their life rejects them. Leaving these feelings unprocessed and unaddressed can see them come out in other ways – which can lead to men perpetuating violent atrocities, from domestic violence and abuse to online hate crimes and even murder.
Though you may think of yourself as a “hopeless romantic”, if you are a guy who gets too obsessed with and possessive of women, chances are you need therapy and/or a good platonic woman friend who can guide you to be better.
When I get rejected, my coping mechanisms tend to vary from drinking a pint of beer with close mates to watching a crappy sitcom with a tub of ice cream, which does nothing but spike my glucose level.
Last June, I returned to Mumbai from Singapore for a short trip and met a girl in my colony named Miss Principal (for her anonymity, I am not disclosing her real name – this was the nickname I gave her). It was a chance encounter; I was simply trying to complete my daily challenge of walking 10,000 steps, and she was there, engrossed in her phone.
I thought she was cute, but didn’t dwell too much on her looks. I approached her and asked, “Hey, which university are you in?” That started our friendship.
In the initial days everything was fine, but gradually, I started developing feelings. She had practical answers. She thought with empathy, which I deeply admired. I gave her the name Miss Principal because she was always stern, with a demeanour that suggested she knew everything (which she did).
I wanted to ask her out on a date, but struggled to find the courage. Though she was clearly aware of my feelings, I remained awkward in expressing them.
Eventually, she invited me to the cinema and we went to watch Past Lives. During the movie, she was being particularly nice, and there was a moment when I felt compelled to share my feelings and hold her hands, but instead I bottled everything up. It was a frustrating experience.
After a few days, I was in my head creating a scenario which wasn’t true at all, painting a rosy picture and interpreting her niceness in a way that was perhaps not good.
So I asked her if she shared my feelings, and she, all in her niceness, said no – she didn’t see me as lover, but a friend.
I was immature and blocked her – which was reflective of the insecurity in me. But later on, I wrote a substack about it and found some sort of release.
Lessons for a hopeless romantic from this scenario
- Throwing a tantrum just because a girl tells you “no” is a common reaction, but if you feel the urge to throw a fit, I suggest asking this question to yourself: are you a hopeless romantic, or a creep? Don’t make everything about you. Love is subjective – it cannot be explained, nor helped. Treating someone without care because they see you as a friend and not a lover is selfish and never acceptable.
- Intent behind friendship matters most. Don’t continue to entertain something on the basis that someday they will like you. Friendships are layered, and like a beautiful tapestry, take time and patience.
- Seeing goodness in someone is beautiful, but obsessing over someone’s positive traits can lead into creepy territory. Appreciate, but do so within reason.
- Overexpressing your feelings may seem super lovey-dovey to you, but the recipient might find it weird if it’s too early. So, respect their space and observe social cues before sharing your feelings.
In January, I was in Kyoto, Japan, for just three days. On the first, I visited a bar that had an amazing vibe – everyone was finding pleasure in the music, and the bartender was immersed in his work.
I spoke with a couple of locals, which was insightful. As the night progressed, I met a girl from California who was trying to form a band with her friends.
After chatting for several hours and enjoying four lemon sours, I found myself in a precarious position – wondering if I genuinely liked her, or was simply in awe of her. We exchanged Instagram handles.
The next day, I was on a tour marvelling at the wondrous monuments of Kyoto. They were truly majestic – the city is rich in history. However, in my mind, I could only think of one monument: the smile of the girl I had met. In fact, I couldn’t focus on anything that day except her.
It felt like a fever, a discomfort.
I decided to DM her and confess that I liked her, acknowledging how ridiculous it felt and questioning whether this was love.
Her reply was the sweetest; she said, “No, it’s infatuation, you goof.”
I felt so light, as if the weight on my chest had been lifted. I was grateful, and this time, was able to explore a friendship and enjoy another night out together.
Lessons for a hopeless romantic from this scenario
- Infatuation is fine, but it’s just a mirage and nothing more – so don’t let it sour a relationship with someone you just met.
- The “nice guy” charade that some men play into with ulterior motive is not something that should be engaged with. It’s transactional. Even if someone says no, keep being nice and wish them luck for the future. I know it hurts, but everything will make sense eventually (Source: Trust me, bro).
In April 2021, I was in Singapore and the lockdown was taking a toll on my mental health. A friend suggested I introduce myself to one of her friends. Our similar interests meant she thought we would gel well.
I followed this girl’s profile and sent a “hi”. It started a journey of love and heartbreak.
She made me incredibly happy. A dedicated medical student and a night owl, she spent her evenings creating intricate diagrams of brains and hearts. Meanwhile, my own heart and mind were deeply affected by her presence. It began as infatuation, and when I found the courage to ask her out, to my surprise, she said yes – and I fell in love.
By December that same year, I was back in Mumbai and the COVID situation was making everything really hard. The distance was an added burden.
Late one night, I received a text from her: “I guess I don’t like you anymore. I feel I was infatuated by you in the first place. You deserve someone way better than me.”
It crushed my soul.
Lessons for a hopeless romantic from this scenario
- The things we hold most dear to us inevitably hurt us the most, so see goodness in every tiny thing. Cherish the memories. Sometimes it’s tough to romanticise life, but try.
- Infatuation is a strange one, and whenever you are in that zone, please be mindful of the other person’s feelings.
- Practise self-care. I know it’s a cliché, but practice loving yourself even if times are tough and nobody’s there for you.
- Process your feelings in a calm way. If you journal, write about why you like that person and what it is about them that really attracts you. Then, meditate on those thoughts. Perhaps you can find those things in yourself.
- If your heart and ethics are in the right place and you see with the goodness in this world, then the person you love saying “no” is inconsequential. You love them and just want them to find a good life ahead and a loving partner – even if that isn’t you.
Ironically, hopeless romantics have loads of hope, and isn’t it beautiful? You should believe that someday you’ll meet someone equally as awesome as you are.
